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01/10/2003 Entry: "Such a rebel"
Shhhh...I'm supposed to be in bed...sleeping!! EEK. I'm so bad and the really bad part is I know my Mom is going to know. (Hi Mom!) Okay so, I'm really weird and I have a hard time ever settling down, and I get these energy bursts at night...so I started cleaning out my filing cabinet. If I never thought I was a pack rat before I am willing to say...yup I am a pack rat. I have things from like 9 years ago. Now normal people might have a few things from many many years ago...but *I* have stacks of things lol
I spent a long time on the phone with my Mom tonight. We talked about the past...and it's weird how your past can effect you. You know...I wonder how we ever get past that? I guess I feel fairly well balanced in that aspect MOST of the time...but just like tonight I found things from so long ago...and it was like I was RIGHT back there in that moment in time. The sad part is I didn't find things about wonderful things...but instead about tragic things that indeed DID change my life forever. So what is it about those things where we are taken back in time and suddenly feel like that same person who was so hurt and angry and sad...that we do that...or is that just me? Do I just do that and it's a flaw in my character? I don't really know the answer to that...you know and people would be surprised to know the things that I was REALLY hurt by. I know it would not be the things that they would first guess...you'll have to trust me on that, but I *know* what most people would think my big lifetime tragedy was--and they'd be wrong...at least about WHO hurt me the most.
I do know that the things I feel very "eh" about tonight are things that have effected relationships I have had since then...so for too many years my life has been in alot of ways negatively effected by the way I was treated all those years ago...by people who were supposed to be friends. I won't ever relate everything that went on...it would be pointless--but suffice to say, only ONE person out of the many who hurt me so deeply ever told me they were was sorry--and that one person is someone I am still dear friends with today, she told me the truth, knowing that I might not forgive her but she was willing to do that because she loved me. Still, that whole episode in my life has has no doubt kept me from forming many meaningful relationships with hundreds of people who have come and gone in my life, and definately has seen me build a huge wall around myself to protect it from the hurt I experienced at the hands of others in the past. Today I have my family, my parents, and a very few select friends and that's it. I have basically ensured that if I know I can't truly trust someone, heart and soul, they don't get a pass to see the show. I think that's probably a pretty sad way to live, and sometimes I pray hard that God would make things different, but then I also think it's one of the only ways I can be sure that I won't be hurt by "friends" again.
So anyways, because I am tired I am off to bed...with the thought that I need to do something to rid myself of all that sad feeling that comes about when I am touched by the past. I know for sure I can't fix it all by myself so I am feeling more than ever that I need to turn this all over to God and let Him help me fix it.
Okay so I took a huge long break right there ^ went and made some waffles (I got a waffle maker for Christmas) out of muffin mix and then went and read at the message board I hang out at all the time and voila...I feel heaps better lol Sometimes it takes looking at how totally silly and out there SOME people are in their lives to see that you have a pretty firm grasp on a) reality b) your issues c) that tomorrow is another day and d) the past deserves to stay in the past. Can I get an AMEN here?
Okay the only other thought before bed is I have about a million ideas that I want to do...unfortunately none of them include the current business I am doing LOL *that* could be a problem I know. haha I've got my novel...I have my romance guide, I have my kids book ("my mommy is a " (no not a BAD word--as in doctor, lawyer, etc lol) at any rate...it's an odd concept that I feel like a fish out of water with too many ponds near by. lol I need to focus on one thing but don't feel particularly led in any direction. SO...this is me waiting for an answer from the Lord. As I tell my children often...God *always* answers our prayers...and the answer may or may not be what we want to hear at the time, but the simple truth is He either says "yes" which is always good, or He says "No" which is not easy but is a firm answer that we can walk away from, but sometimes He says the really hard answer which is "wait"...that's a tough thing to do, and I am being tested daily for my patience levels =o) We'll see how I am holding out tomorrow!
Be blessed!
~A
PS this is going to show up all as one page on the main page because I am testing the layout and my Mom asked me why I wouldn't...lol so okay let's see how it works this way
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